Unicorn hunting in polyamory is one of the most debated topics in non-monogamous communities. At POSH, we often hear confusion about why we welcome all forms of ethical polyamory but set clear boundaries against unicorn hunting. The answer is simple: while triads are valid and can thrive, the practice of couples “looking for a third” often leads to harmful dynamics. This article explains why unicorn hunting is harmful, how it differs from healthy triads, and why POSH has drawn this line to protect consent and autonomy.
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The Question That Keeps Coming Up
Every so often, someone tags our group with a version of the same concern:
“Your group description says POSH welcomes all forms of ethical non-monogamy. But your rules say that looking for a ‘third’ is toxic and predatory. Please make it make sense.”
On the surface, it might seem like a contradiction. But it’s not. The difference lies between triads that form naturally and the pattern commonly called unicorn hunting in polyamory.
Triads Are Valid. Unicorn Hunting Is Not.
Triads are real, valid, and meaningful. Many POSH members are in thriving triads or quads that grew organically. What we don’t allow is unicorn hunting—when an established couple actively seeks a single person (often a bisexual woman) to join their relationship under their terms.
As we explained in We’re Looking for Our Third, unicorn hunting usually looks like this:
- A couple dates together, imagining this will keep everything “equal.”
- They expect one person to meet both partners’ needs at once.
- They often hold veto power or other privileges that make the new partner expendable.
It may look tidy on paper, but in practice unicorn hunting in polyamory is messy, inequitable, and harmful.
Why Unicorn Hunting Has a Bad Reputation
Unicorn hunting has a bad reputation because it rarely treats the new partner as a full, autonomous person. Too often, the “third” is:
- Treated as an accessory to the couple.
- Expected to fulfill both partners’ needs without equal say.
- Used as a buffer against conflict: no relationship model is immune to conflict.
That’s why the wider polyamory community sees unicorn hunting as toxic. It’s not the existence of triads—it’s the pattern of objectifying people instead of respecting them as whole humans.
5 Reasons Unicorn Hunting in Polyamory Is Harmful
- Built-in Power Imbalance
Couples usually share housing, history, or finances, which puts any newcomer at a disadvantage. This dynamic can make the “third” feel like an outsider rather than an equal. - Conditional Autonomy
In many unicorn-hunting setups, the new partner is only accepted as long as they meet both members’ needs. If the couple has a conflict, the “third” is often the first to be cut off. - Lack of Individual Choice
Dating “as a package” assumes that one person can connect romantically and sexually with both partners equally. In reality, chemistry doesn’t work that way—and this demand erases genuine choice. - Tokenization and Fetishization
The stereotypical “bisexual woman unicorn” is treated as a fantasy object rather than a whole person with boundaries, needs, and desires. This is dehumanizing and damaging. - High Failure Rate
Research and lived experience show that couples who begin polyamory by unicorn hunting often end up hurting themselves and others. It’s a fragile foundation that collapses under pressure, leaving everyone wounded.
The Paradox of Tolerance and Unicorn Hunting
The philosopher Karl Popper described the “paradox of tolerance”: if a community tolerates harmful or intolerant practices, those practices will eventually undermine the community itself. Polyamorous spaces face this reality with unicorn hunting. While polyamory embraces a wide range of relationship styles, tolerance does not extend to behaviors that exploit, objectify, or dehumanize others.
Unicorn hunting in polyamory often comes with entrenched power imbalances, couple’s privilege, and fetishization of bisexual women. Left unchecked, these dynamics corrode the values of consent, equality, and respect that polyamory is built upon. By drawing a firm line against unicorn hunting, POSH and other polyam communities are not being judgmental—they are actively protecting vulnerable members and preserving the ethical standards that make our spaces safe, supportive, and sustainable.
Consent, Power, and Community Safety
POSH is a consent-positive, intersectional space. That means we take power dynamics seriously.
- A couple with shared history, housing, and finances will always hold more power than someone new.
- Ignoring that imbalance minimizes the real risk that the new person will experience exploitation.
- Communities that fail to address this end up normalizing harm.
As we wrote in Breaking Down Entitlement, no one is entitled to another person’s time, body, or energy. That applies to individuals and couples alike.
What POSH Welcomes Instead
We truly do welcome all forms of polyamory: solo poly, relationship anarchy, Vs, quads, long-distance constellations, and yes—triads that develop naturally.
What we ask is that members approach polyamory in ways that:
- Respect the consent and autonomy of every individual.
- Avoid exploitative patterns like unicorn hunting.
- Focus on community, friendship, and education, not recruiting.
As we note in our rules, POSH is not a dating group. You may find a partner here, but the purpose is support and connection—not searching for a unicorn.
The Bottom Line
We don’t ban triads. We ban treating people like unicorns.
If a triad develops naturally, with everyone’s autonomy respected, that’s polyamory at its best. But when couples post that they’re “looking for a third,” it reduces a person to a product—and that doesn’t belong in a consent-positive community.
That’s not shaming. That’s protecting the values that let POSH thrive: consent, respect, and genuine connection.
Outbound Resources for Further Exploration
- Meet the Couples That Date Single Women (Psychology Today)
- Ethics and Etiquette in Polyamorous Sex (More Than Two)
- To Unicorn Hunters, From an Ex-Unicorn (Polyamory for Us)
- Why Do We All Hate Unicorn Hunters? (Discovering Polyamory)
- Is Seeking a Third Ethical? (Multiamory Podcast)