Why DMs from men on non-dating platforms feel invasive, much like unsolicited compliments, and why it’s not the same as getting spammed by scammers.
The other day, I posted in a neighborhood forum to ask if anyone recognized a stray cat that had taken up residence in my backyard. Within hours, I got a message from a man I didn’t know:
“Hello Tabby gd morning ur a beautiful woman. This unsolicited compliment was unwarranted and made me uncomfortable.”
This wasn’t the first time. And I’m not alone. Many women experience the same thing: a post about something totally neutral—pets, local events, community concerns—followed by a private message from a man whose only goal is to comment on her appearance with unsolicited compliments.
It’s uncomfortable. It’s invasive. And it’s a pattern that needs to be talked about.
Table of Contents
Compliments Are Not Always Harmless
Let’s unpack the myth that unsolicited compliments are “just being nice.” They’re not. Especially when they come out of context, in spaces not intended for dating or flirtation.
When I post in a neighborhood group, I’m participating as a neighbor. When someone privately messages me just to comment on how I look, they are reframing my presence—ignoring the content of my post and making it about my appearance. That’s not community-building. That’s objectification.
Unsolicited compliments like this create discomfort and undermine the sense of safety in shared digital spaces. They can make people feel watched, judged, and not in control of their own experience online.
Scammers vs. Real Men Sending Unwanted Messages
Some have compared this to men receiving scam messages from fake accounts trying to solicit money. Let’s be clear: these are not the same thing.
Scam messages are impersonal. They’re annoying, but they’re obviously fake, and the motivation is usually financial.
When a real man sends an unsolicited message about my appearance, it’s personal. It’s a conscious choice to insert his perception of me into my experience, uninvited. It’s not about money—it’s about attention, control, and power. It’s a reminder that no space, no matter how neutral, is free from the male gaze.
Why This Matters in Polyamory and POSH Community Spaces
Let’s bring this closer to home for POSH and other polyamorous spaces. These communities often exist in a gray area—they’re not dating apps, but they are spaces where people might meet others who share their relationship style. That can lead to connections—but the purpose of these groups is community, education, and support, not dating.
Here’s the nuance:
- On a dating app, everyone has opted in to receiving romantic or flirty messages. Consent to receive that kind of message is implied by participation.
- In a community group, consent to receive any kind of personal message—especially romantic or flirty ones—is not implied. People are there for shared conversation, not to be hit on.
That’s why POSH has a firm rule: do not DM someone without asking first—especially for anything personal, romantic, or compliment-based. This rule is designed to protect everyone’s autonomy and sense of safety. When you reach out uninvited, you’re taking away their ability to choose if and how they want to engage.
In polyamory communities, where openness is often misunderstood as availability, it’s crucial to practice explicit consent—not just around physical or romantic encounters, but around communication itself.
Takeaway: Respect Begins with Boundaries
If you wouldn’t walk up to someone in a group discussion and interrupt just to say you find them attractive, don’t do it online either. If you want to talk to someone—ask. And if the answer is no, respect it.
Unsolicited compliments aren’t just awkward—they’re part of a pattern that makes people feel unwelcome and unsafe. In spaces built around connection and community, we can and must do better.
Additional Resources
- “7 Ways To Respond To Unwanted ‘Compliments'” by Bustle: This article offers practical strategies for handling inappropriate unsolicited compliments, such as ignoring the comment or addressing the underlying intention.
- “Handling Creepy ‘Compliments'” by The Providence Journal: This piece discusses how to navigate unsolicited remarks and suggests responses that can help defuse uncomfortable situations.
- “It’s Not a Compliment: A Response to Street Harassment” by Women’s Foundation California: This article delves into the impact of unsolicited compliments and emphasizes the importance of educating others about respectful behavior.
Other related POSH articles
- Breaking Down Entitlement: A Cautionary Tale in Polyamory and Beyond – This article explores the pitfalls of entitlement within polyamorous relationships and offers insights into fostering healthier dynamics, including some insights that may help increase understanding about why unsolicited compliments are not ok..
- You Are Not Your Relationships – Discussing the importance of individual identity within relationships, this piece emphasizes maintaining personal boundaries and self-awareness.
- Why We Need A Polyam Community – Highlighting the significance of community support, this article underscores the role of shared values and mutual respect in nurturing positive interactions.
- Building a Consent-Positive Community – Focusing on the foundations of consent within community settings, this piece provides guidance on creating environments where respect and understanding are paramount, including our rules about unsolicited compliments.