We get a lot of new members in POSH every week, and we\u2019re always glad to see new faces. When new members introduce themselves in our introductions thread, though, we often see something like <\/p>\n\n\n\n
A lot of these people really want to grow and learn, but even then, the word \u201clifestyle\u201d can be a problem for many polyamorists. If you post this, there’s a good chance you’ll get a gentle reminder (or, now, a link to this article). It\u2019s all about these two issues*:<\/p>\n\n\n\n 1. \u201cThe Lifestyle\u201d is a term for swinging.<\/p>\n\n\n\n 2. \u201cLifestyle\u201d implies that polyamory is a choice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Without getting too in-depth, in swinging, a couple seeks out other couples (or sometimes singles) for group sex or swapping partners. Just like polyamory, it\u2019s a completely ethical form of nonmonogamy, and it\u2019s not uncommon for many people to do both. The main difference is that polyamory involves romantic or emotional intimacy while swinging is sexual. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Since the swinger community is especially stigmatized, they’ve used codewords for a very long time. The best known codeword is calling swinging \u201cthe lifestyle\u201d or \u201cthe LS.\u201d Swingers typically go to \u201clifestyle clubs\u201d or \u201cLS clubs,\u201d and people using social media to interact with the swinger community often add \u201cLS\u201d to their profile names. So, when you say \u201clifestyle\u201d in the communities for ethical nonmonogamy, that\u2019s what people think of.<\/p>\n\n\n\n They\u2019re often confused with each other, but polyamory is not<\/strong> swinging and vice versa. For many polyamorists, being confused with swingers is a major problem, partially because it makes it even harder to practice polyamory in a world that already doesn\u2019t understand us, and partially because many of us have no interest in swinging in the same way that a gay man has no interest in sex with a bunch of women or someone who\u2019s deathly allergic to bees isn\u2019t going to build an apiary. It\u2019s just not us. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Remember, quite a few POSH members are swingers (and any swinger who practices or wants to learn about polyamory is welcome!), but POSH is not a swinger group, and posts about swinging usually aren\u2019t going to work well. If your main interest is in sex or casual connections, POSH might not be the right fit for you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The problem isn\u2019t just about swinging, though. The word \u201clifestyle\u201d can cause problems in other ways too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In the Merriam-Webster dictionary*, a lifestyle is defined as<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n The typical way of life of an individual, group, or culture.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n\n\n\n A lifestyle isn\u2019t something you\u2019re born with as part of your identity, but for many polyamorous people, polyamory isn\u2019t a choice. For a lot of us, life would be a whole lot easier if we were monogamous! <\/p>\n\n\n\n Many polyamorous people do view it as a choice, and that’s valid too, but a large number of POSH members identify their polyamory as an orientation, a relationship orientation, in the same way that gay or straight are sexual orientations. It\u2019s something we can\u2019t change about ourselves. While viewing it as a choice or an orientation are both valid, both need to be respected, and that means avoiding language that invalidates one even if you’re part of the other group.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So, calling it a \u201clifestyle\u201d can be dismissive and invalidating of many of our relationships. (For what it\u2019s worth, we usually hear people using \u201clifestyle\u201d when they practice hierarchy and<\/em><\/strong> view only one of their relationships as serious or important, while the majority of long-term polyamorists think differently.) For most LGBT people and organizations, \u201chomosexual lifestyle\u201d is a slur, and many of us in polyamory view \u201cpolyamorous lifestyle\u201d the same way. <\/p>\n\n\n\n Going back to that definition up there, calling it a lifestyle can also imply that there\u2019s only one way of doing it, when really no two polyamorous people practice it in quite the same way. There are no rules or requirements other than that you\u2019re open to romantic or emotionally intimate relationships with more than one person at a time and that you\u2019re committed to being ethical and making sure everyone consents to the situation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n So all of that\u2019s why we encourage saying things like these instead of \u201clifestyle\u201d:<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNew to the poly community\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cExploring polyamory\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHoping to learn more\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI actually read the rules!\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cEthical nonmonogamy\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThe ways I can bring polyamory into my life\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cFinding our whether I\u2019m polyamorous\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n If you\u2019re new to the poly community and joining POSH, welcome! Polyamory includes a lot of terminology and a lot of concepts that don\u2019t always mesh with what mainstream society tells us, and for many of us this is a serious part of who we are. We\u2019re always happy to help you learn, though, and we hope you\u2019ll stick with it!<\/p>\n\n\n\n * Not to be confused with a bad case of the OEDs.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" We get a lot of new members in POSH every week, and we\u2019re always glad to see new faces. When new members introduce themselves in our introductions thread, though, we often see something like\u00a0“I’m new to the lifestyle.”…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":155,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,25],"tags":[14,13,11,10,6,12,9,4,8,7,5],"class_list":["post-154","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-polyamory-101","category-poly-world","tag-advice","tag-common-fumbles","tag-corrections","tag-learning","tag-lifestyle","tag-ls","tag-newbies","tag-polyamory","tag-relationship-orientation","tag-swinging","tag-terminology"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/poshtx.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/154","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/poshtx.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/poshtx.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/poshtx.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/poshtx.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=154"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/poshtx.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/154\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":301,"href":"https:\/\/poshtx.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/154\/revisions\/301"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/poshtx.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/155"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/poshtx.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=154"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/poshtx.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=154"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/poshtx.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=154"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\u201cI\u2019m new to the lifestyle.\u201d<\/em><\/strong>
<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/p>\n\n\n\nWhat\u2019s wrong with saying \u201clifestyle\u201d? <\/h2>\n\n\n\n
The Lifestyle or The LS<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Polyamory isn’t a Choice<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Say This Instead<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Welcome to POSH!<\/h2>\n\n\n\n